


Richie Tozier: Take 2!

by Netocert



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Comedian Richie Tozier, Coming Out, Dark Comedy, Eddie Kaspbrak is So Done, Established Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Fix-It, Gay Richie Tozier, Jewish Richie Tozier, M/M, Richie Tozier Has ADHD, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie Tozier is a Little Shit, Richie Tozier is a Mess, Richie Tozier's Sense of Humor, Richie Tozier's Stand Up Act, Richie loves all his friends so much, Stand Up, They're all alive, Trans Richie Tozier, no one dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:00:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22430719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Netocert/pseuds/Netocert
Summary: It's Richie Tozier: Take 2! A new Netflix special featuring the infamous comedian himself after his year-long hiatus. He's back with brand new content, and a brand new him.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 12
Kudos: 266
Collections: ||My favorite fics||





	Richie Tozier: Take 2!

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first published fanfic so,,,  
> I binged read all the fics in this category and couldn't help but write one myself. Shout out to all the great authors before me! Hope you guys enjoy. Feel free to give feedback!

(Transcript from live Netflix stage recording)

(BEGIN TRANSCRIPT)

(Lights come up on stage as Intergalactic Planetary plays over the system. The audience cheers. Richie runs on stage from the stage right wings, smiling and waving at the audience. He takes center stage, where a stand with a microphone rests in it, next to two bottles of water. He pushes his hair back nervously and laughs into the mic. He’s dressed horribly, wearing a faded green zip-up hoodie with a pink care bear on the right breast pocket, oddly fitting black jeans, and muddy converse that were most likely maroon when first bought 15 years ago. There is a thick silver band on his left ring finger, but it goes unnoticed.)

Whats up fuckers! I’m back onstage after like, a year of radio silence, and I'm here to hopefully not completely destroy my career. (Smattering of laughter.) I just wanna get a few things out of the way first. This performance, and hopefully the ones in the future, are going to be VERY different than the lovable Trashmouth you all know and tolerate. So sorry if you're uncomfortable but I don’t actually care and you might as well get a show out of it. I can see through my coke-bottle glasses some odd looks on your faces. But don’t worry, all will be revealed.

Biggest question of the hour: where the fuck was I? Okay, there's some exposition so take off your shoes if you want. The day I bombed onstage - (some hisses of sympathy are heard.) oh you weren't expecting I was gonna bring that up huh? Told you this was different. Ya, you guys all know what I'm talking about, where I forgot my lines then threw up onstage? That's the one. So about…. 30 seconds before I was on, I got a phone call that one of my best friends got into a serious incident and had died. (Shocked gasps, and ‘Oh my God’ is heard.) See, I told ya. It’s okay though, he’s totally fine, even though I have no fuckin’ clue how. He’s very stubborn. (Some short light laughter.) Anyways, I kinda had a panic attack, ruined my career, then flew out to my hometown to be with my friends.

Anybody out here from Maine? (5 cheers, not counting the front center row. He leans in uncomfortably close to the mic.)I am so fucking sorry. I used to live in Derry, Maine, and some people out there of the goth persuasion might have heard of it. I used to be into true crime, until I realized I deadass grew up in some shitty podcast. So I flew back with my spouse,(surprised hoots) yea I’ll get to that later you impatient fucks. So I’m out there, remembering things from a childhood I forgot I have- okay while I’m on the topic of friends, I gotta talk about them. If you can’t tell, I got a bad case of ADHD that I’ve just been recently medicated for so it’s gonna be a wild ride. (Laughter from what seems to be the younger members of the audience.)

Anyways, my amazing friends are here tonight!! I’m looking at their unproportionally attractive faces from the first row. I gotta brag about them, I can't help it. Now as a disclaimer, it’s gonna sound like I’m lying, but you can 100% ask them on twitter about it later. I know I'm an attention whore, but I'm not that desperate. SO - one of my first friends in all of shitty Derry - Stan Urine. He’s scowling at me but he can’t do anything about it so I'm gonna keep talking. Stan and I went to the same synagogue. Yeah! That's one of many surprising facts you’ll learn about me tonight - I’m Jewish! With a very strong emphasis on the ish, I’m not even circumcised, and thank god for that. You’ll find out why. Stan was the rabbi’s son, so he couldn’t get out of temple to play Street Fighter with me. He had to wear his kippah to school, he might still be wearing one now, I can’t tell. Anyways he has OCD so like, mental illness gang! (Laughter from the same demographic.) He was good friends with this really skinny awkward kid with a stutter named B-B-Billy, or that's what I called him because I was a dick. He really liked to write short stories, and they always had shitty endings. I think it’s because he’d get frustrated about three fourths of the way through and rushed it do get it over with. That weirdo is one Bill Denbourough! (Shouts of recognition and surprise are heard.) Yea!! A famous dude, I know! So feel free to flood his social media with a bunch of stupid comments, I need the exposure. (Laughter.) He introduced me to my spouse, aka, the love of my life, but I’m saving that for later because I love to watch you all suffer. We later met two people, who you guys have never heard of, Beverly Marsh and Ben Hanscom. Crazy right? I’m friends with like, actual famous people!! In case you live under a rock buried deep within the Mariana Trench, Bev is a fashion designer who makes the sleekest clothes you’ve ever seen. Don’t worry, I’m not wearing any of her stuff, you can stop worrying for her sanity. (Chuckles. A ‘phew’ is barely audible.) She tried very hard to get me to look like a human being, and not like, a hungover cave goblin, but this tour is about me presenting myself, flaws and all. Ben Handsome, yes I said that, is now like if Tony Stark wasn’t corrupt and also hotter. Marvel stans can complain later in the YouTube comments when this is ripped and uploaded at 244p quality. He’s an architect, and he makes Frank Lloyd Wright want to tuck his dick between his legs in shame. Lastly, there’s Mike, who stayed back in Derry because he’s a masochist I guess. He’s one of the smartest guys I know, and probably will ever know because he’s a librarian AND a historian! Like, there's so much going on there my ADHD checked me out 5 minutes ago. 

Fuck where was I - Oh yea, remembering the past 27 years of a life I forgot I had. So we sit down for a succulent Chinese meal, were all reconnecting, and surprise, turns out the lovable local serial killer from 30 years ago broke out of the psych ward and came back to Derry! (Gasps and one or two screams.) Yea, it was an unexpected turn for us too. I can’t go into much detail because then my therapist will be out of a job; but basically, he starts stalking us, stabs my spouse, leads us into the sewers via a crack house, stabs my spouse AGAIN, then we all beat the shit out of him, WHILE THE CRACK HOUSE STARTS TO FALL APART. (uncomfortable silence. They don’t know if they can laugh or not.) In case you're wondering who this dude is, he’s Henry Bowers, the famous child killer of Derry, Maine, which is why I said some of the freakier listeners might know about our town. (Lots of ‘Oh my God’s and ‘fuck’s are heard.)

So it’s been an extremely hectic year to say the least. But if there’s a good side to constant near death experience from kicking a murder’s ass in the sewers and relive all your childhood traumas - it makes you reevaluate what important. Like, I used to be really stressed about cancelling my SiriusXM subscription. Now I realize it’s like Spotify but you can't control it, so I decided to dump it. Unless they give me a show, in which case I will gladly whore myself out for money. (tense laughter.) But no, seriously, it’s really opened my eyes to what I consider close to me, and important to protect, and to be honest. That’s why this show is so different from all my other works, because it’s mine.

It’s really no surprise I had a ghostwriter, I’m kind of a push over so when my agent suggested this writer to me I just accepted it because like, you can't eat Ramen boiled in beer for the rest of your life. And yea, I’m not proud of it, but part of what i’m trying to do as result of my mid-life crisis is to be more honest with myself, and that directly affects my comedy. 

Because this is my job! This is how I make money, so I can upgrade from ramen in beer, to udon in tequila. I never held a real job before, unlike all my super successful and hot friends. Well, that's a lie. I worked at a Blockbuster for a month but fired me when I was trying to figure out how many jelly beans I could fit into my mouth before I choked and died. (The tension is broken with laughter.) They had to call my spouse to pick me up because I didn’t have a car. (The suspense is back on.)

Okay, I’m finally getting to the point you've all been waiting for. My spouse. I uh, (He is laughing nervously, the hand holding the mic is viciously shaking, the audience murmurs). Uh, his name is Eddie. (The audience erupts, lots of whooping and hollering. ‘Yes queen’ can be heard vaguely from the back, which makes everyone laugh, including Richie.) Yes! His name is Eddie Kapsbrak, and he currently has his collar drawn up over his face because he’s embarrassed. So yea, pink elephant in the room- (He unzips his ugly hoodie to reveal a black shirt underneath. In white obnoxious block letters, it says, ‘IM GAY’. The audience eats it up.) I’m full blown homo! Big surprise to everyone except me and my husband and my PornHub account. So yea, all those girlfriends I talked about in my previous sketches, completely fake. And honestly, thank God. I can’t imagine how terrible it would've been for them, I was like, the worst fake boyfriend in the world to these poor ladies. I hope all those imaginary women are off living better lives, and settling down with wives, because they’re from my show, so they're gay now! (Cheers.) But yes, I’m very much a gay man, who is very much in love with my amazing husband, and because you’re all locked in here for the next 45 minutes, you’re all gonna hear me talk about him.

So, Eddie was my absolute bestest best bff in the whole world when we were kids. I know this, because every 15 minutes I’d tell him about how I fucked his mom. (disgusted laughter.) And he’d get all fussy and jump up and down like a prepubescent Yosemite Sam and I would sigh with big ass hearts in my eyes. He was, and still is, a hypochondriac, though that’s no fault of his so I can’t make fun of him for it, and I’m so glad he is. When we moved in together after we both left Derry, because like, why the fuck would we stay, he called a professional cleaning service to clean my side of the bedroom specifically while I was out at the store. (Big laughter.) I came home with my signature ramen and beer and I see this adorable fucker in a hazmat suit, laying on the couch, reading a book, waiting for me. (Hollering laughter, probably from the middle aged crowd.) He goes, “Took you long enough,” And all I saw was red. Not because I was mad, but because I was so damn infatuated with this weird little nerd. 

He’s a risk analyst, which I told him many times, was a job invented before fun. But I try to be supportive so I'll say, “Babe, how was work?”. Then, he’ll open his mouth and i go cross eyed and my ADHD demon is drawing a mustache and an eye patch on his face while he tells me about his awful work day, until he pokes my arm and goes, “Hey dickwad, you listening to me?” (Uncertain noises.) And all I can say is, “Please never grow a mustache.” (chuckles.)

Some of you guys reacted to ‘dickwad’. Let me tell you, Eddie and I have odd pet names for each other. We were talking to Ben and Bev about their pet names. And Ben, sweet as ever, goes, “Gingersnap, honey, love of my life, angel” and I just have to be like, “Eddie calls me dickwad and I call him motherfucker and we are in love.” And they laugh because they've known us for like, 33 years, and that's so on brand for us. 

In case you’re all worrying if I’m invading my friends privacy, I had them all read the script and approve or edit jokes. But I kept one in about Eddie’s giant- okay he’s frowning at me. I gotta be nice or I’ll have to sleep on the couch. Which in our house means I mope to the couch overly dramatically and talk about how i’m consumed by grief like a romantic era poet until Eddie smiles and tells me to get my sorry ass of the couch and to take my shoes off because i’m tracking microscopic dust particles into the house. (hollers of support.) I know, he’s literally the best!

Which guys, I just gotta talk about. I’m not bragging when I say this, but my husband is gorgeous. (Hoots.) Like, hot with a capital boner. He has these adorable big brown puppy dog eyes, and adorable scowl, and soft hands because he sits at a desk all day. Which then makes you wonder, what kind of Stockholm syndrome did I inflict upon him to make him love me back? Honestly, I wonder that myself. I don’t know why in his 13 year old head, he saw the kid who was 80% glasses and 20% teeth whose form of communication was talking in overly graphic details his sexual escapades with all his friends moms, and thought, “Yea, he’s the one”. 

Like, I’ll wake up and see my hot ass boyfriend who has real life abs, smile at me, and all I can think of is Beauty and the Beast. (Wild laughter.) Then there's me, some kind of odd ancient chimera created by a wizard that really wanted the local village to know how fucked up he is. I have the body of a scarecrow, the eyes of Steve Buscemi, and the head shape of a Lego man. And Eddie loves me anyways! On paper, I’m repellent; in person, even more so! But this crazy little man kisses me good morning and good night, and I can't help but think that maybe God is real, because she must really like me. (‘Awwwww’s are heard.)

It’s real sappy hours folks. 

So let’s change the mood real quick.

I may have rebranded, but I’m still the Trashmouth, so let’s talk about sex!

I see Eddie burying his head in his hands. Hey man, you signed off on this! I think he’s just worried about his big boy boss at his big boy job and all his big boy coworkers knowing how he likes it. So, in case you haven't noticed, (He rolls his hoodie sleeves up and scratches his stubble.) I’m a pretty hairy motherfucker. People have told me I’m a bear, but I’m not chubby enough yet. Eddie’s cooking may change that, but I’m worried I’ll crush him. Imagine how shitty that would be if I crushed my husband during sex. Just calling 911 and being like, “Send help! There’s a dead twunk in my bed, and he wouldn't want stains on these sheets!” (He chuckles at his own joke) Oh, yea, I just remembered, I’m hairy. I’m hairy to point where like, it becomes a problem. I’ll be looking at myself in the mirror after a shower and I’ll call, “Hey babe, can you help shave my ass?” And he either comes in the bathroom and deadpans “I can’t wait to divorce you,” or he sighs and helps groom his bigfoot boyfriend. Or he’ll talk about how unsanitary it is, and I'll just say, “But you were eating it last night!” (The audience loses it.) What can I say, he likes to please when he’s not being a prick. So, to answer the question you’ve all been wondering since I came out (checks watch) ten minutes ago, ‘Why does he dress like that if he’s gay?’ (Some laughter) No, the other question, ‘Is he a top or a bottom?’ To probably like, 99% of the people here’s surprise, I’m a bottom. I think I might be the biggest bottom north of the south pole. I mean that in reference to my height, not my butt. I really don’t have an ass, but Eddie? (makes the perfect symbol with his hand.) I think Eddie is too much of a perfectionist to not be a top. I feel like we’d be having sex and halfway through he’d say, “Okay, okay, stop. You’re doing it all wrong. Let me show you. Amateur.” 

(He nervously chuckles, and paces about the stage. His hand is shaking, even worse than before he announced he was gay. He palms the mic from hand to hand to wipe his sweaty hand on his jeans. He takes a big drink of water. The audience murmurs.)

But me being a bottom is a great segway to my next section. This part is even harder for me to than I’m gay. (He lets out a shaky breath.) I’m….. black. (The audience yelps.) That’s right Mike, (He points at Mike in the audience) you have a brother! No no, I’m fucking around. But it is scary, so I’m gonna turn around and do it. (He puts the mic back on the stand, goes center stage, then turns from the audience. He lets the hoodie slip from his shoulders. In the same obnoxious white lettering, ‘AND TRANS’. The audience absolutely goes crazy. He turns around and grabs the mic from the stand.) Now does it make sense why I’m glad I’m not circumcised! (More laughter.) That's right fuckers! Straight dude bro Richie ‘Trashmouth’ Tozier is a gay trans icon! No, but please don't call me an icon, I’m a trash human. (He laughs)

This now implants a second question in your mind…. ‘God, why is he so fucking tall?’ Well all I could say is that my dad was an ent, and I transitioned pretty early because I had a kickass aunt. I’m very grateful I pass so well. The only downside is when the doctor thinks I’m being homophobic when I tell him I refuse to have a prostate exam. If I wanted a finger in my ass, I just have to wait till I get home. 

We’re a bout out of time guys, (The audience whines.) I know, I’ll miss you guys too! But I’d like to have a little monologue here before I have to go.

I’ve revealed a lot about myself tonight. Things that I even had a hard time telling my therapist for the past 30 years. But I’m so happy to be where I am today, right now. It’s not been an easy 40 years - for me or any of my friends. But I’m here today because of them, and how much we support each other. And I love each and every one of them with my whole heart. Good night New York. Stay rad, and be kind.

(He hangs the mic back on the stand. He stands up straight and gives a deep bow. When he rises, there’s a wobbly smile on his face, with tears not yet fallen in his eyes. The whole time, the audience is standing, screaming and cheering. The camera cuts to a group of six people. Three of them are recognizable, three aren't. They are all crying. The shortest man is cheering as loud as he possibly can. Cut back to the stage where lights dim.)

(END OF TRANSCRIPT)


End file.
